Drowned in Coffee

Here's a little third cup of coffee thinking...


Why do we seek improvement?

I'm holding my guitar in hand, well under my arm,
and for the past half hour I have begun to learn Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam.
It has some very slick guitar licks that I feel, so I figured why not?

But as I have been doing so, I stopped and thought...
why?
What motivates me?

What motivates me to learn this song?
Is it because it makes me happy?
Because I feel it deep when I hear the crisp hits of the guitar?
Or is it because I want to be "good."

5 years ago I wanted be "good,"to be able to be playing some of the things I do now.
And now I want to be "good".... maybe able to improv or play lead licks off the cuff without thinking.
Let's take guitar out of this...
What is it that we, that you, do over and over... that you seek to improve yourself in... to be "good."

But why?
Sometimes I think, one day I'm going to be an old women, unable to pick up a guitar and play the things I spend hours playing or learning.
Is it all worth it?

I mean what is truly worth it?

So why seek improvement at all?
Are we not satisfied with our own place of being?

Or perhaps we just desire to experience what the heart does when we come to find more... when we come to feel things deeper. When the notes of a guitar and each choice the guitarist makes while playing becomes this.... this art that somehow, our very being relates to.

hmmm...
it's all so interesting.
What is that, that makes us, to the core, feel part of something bigger?

For now I have this song that reminds me of a wonderful evening with a good friend, playing pool in an empty bar while we were listening to this song all the way up.

-M

The Ants Creep

I just thought, "I don't want to read this human development report anymore, I'll blog".

So here I am, blogging and thinking about how I am antsy to be home and also how I have tons of things I still want to do in Lisboa...

...to be home...

...to see it all...

The heart yearns and the mind turns it into a problem.

Turning calls from deep within me into hurdles I should really overcome.

I'd like to learn how to be content with my yearning-- to really look at it, even embrace it.

I'd like to learn to be content with my heart while enjoying the world the rest of my body is experiencing.

Okay, back to the report...

T

The Açorean Aventura

WARNING: If you are about to watch this video and do not already love me very much 

(unconditional love may be needed) then I would warn you that you may find this video 

1) too detailed 2) excessively long 3) boring

If you do love me, I believe it still may be a chosen few who are able to stick it out 

through to the end of this video.  I know this.  I understand. 

I will not try and trick you.  It is almost 17 minutes long...of reflection and story telling...

and if you know me at all, you know how those two things go for me.  

***

Scroll down and click play if you would like to hear about my adventure 

in São Miguel, Açores this past weekend.  

The Açores are nine Portuguese islands way out in the Atlantic Ocean.  

For four days and five nights I stayed on the largest island, São Miguel.

Right here:

Initially, I was traveling to the island to experience the Festa de Santo Cristo for research I am doing with my Anthropology professor on socio-religious feasts.  Some days got mixed up and I ended up finding out the day before I left that Santo Cristo was taking place at the very moment and had been since the past weekend.  "Oh crap."  I would then arrive on the last day of the festival, but then have three full days of "fly by the seat of my pants-ness".  Which is something I am accustomed to; however, this time I was very much aware of the fact that I was traveling out into the middle of the ocean with no plan and no clear vision of why I was going anymore...

So I just took a deep breath and got on the plane.

"Boa sorte" with this video.

Tan

Chest Pain

My chest is made of knots and braids, trapping dust and voices that block my airways.
I knead my fingers in my palms then press my finger pads below my collar bone to no avail.
My mind manifests its worries in my body through the sensation of suffocation as
I strain to meet deadlines.

On days like this I don't talk much, but can write a poem to express my angst for a world and school
that causes pain from cognitive signals sent from my brain through my veins
creating tightness in my chest.


-dramatic anonymous during finals